Dear Brides to Be,
No one cares about your wedding but you. Yes I said it. Don’t get me wrong… we’re all super happy for you and all so let me explain…
This isn’t coming from a place of jealousy because I’m not engaged, this is coming from a place of utter confusion as to how women started assuming the earth has begun to revolve around them, a complete loss of all manners and social decency the second your boyfriend proposes. I would like to dub this phenomenon “temporary bride-sanity”
I don’t know who over in the manners department died at theknot.com but they better find a replacement to reign in these brides before they ruin all of their friendships. We’re doing you a favor remember. So be thankful not entitled and demanding. You’re not a princess and I’m not your servant.
Let me break this down into a few categories that I think are most important to rectify first.
Brides have egos the size of Texas, and assume everyone f-ing wants to go to their wedding. It’s like, no… I’d rather not waste a precious summer weekend traveling to some crappy place where you grew up, eat your shitty filet-like-mignon, all to receive some piece of crappy chocolate with the date on it. Cool it- like I said, no one cares. If we show up, it’s only because we heard there was an open bar.
I’m sorry (I’m not sorry) I can’t quit my job and devote my entire life to being your bridesmaid. Like, shoot me, what a terrible friend I am!
1. You never asked me if July 14th works for the bachelorette week, or I would have said no before you asked that we all book trips to Paris. So chill with the attitude when I tell you I have a life outside of your fairytale wedding planning.
2. I’m not going to Paris for your bachelorette week.
3. You get a weekend (Friday after work- Sunday afternoon), maybe 4 days non-holiday weekend if really like you. That’s it. Summer holiday weekends are special for all of us, so please don’t clutter them all up.
I will never wear this dress again, do your best to find them at Forever 21 please. Nude shoes should be the only acceptable wedding party shoe (can’t we at least use one thing we already have, for Christ sake I just bought a bird hat to wear with this horrible purple ball gown).
The Amount of Bridesmaids:
Holy ka-poopers does anyone really need 14 bridesmaids?? I don’t think so. If you have the entire sorority house in your wedding who is left to be a guest at the wedding. You also don’t make me feel special as bridesmaid no. 22, you make me feel like I am part of some weird overly coordinated circus freak-show. If you need to round out the numbers do so with a rental (google bridesmaid for hire, I hear she’s great and for a fee will show up to all your crazy events and do so with a smile. – I might too if you were paying me). I’m pretty sure your sisters friends neighbors roommates boss doesn’t want to spend $350 on a bridesmaid gown and 1,000,000 gifts anyways so don’t make it awkward for her by asking. Besties only mmmmkay.
Again, I don’t care how stressful it is to plan a wedding, get a wedding planner, call your mom, IDGAF. Have you been on Tinder it’s a jungle out there and juggling multiple dates with different guys plus trying to show up to your 46 mandatory events for fear of death if I don’t, is stressful too. We all have struggles, I don’t bother you with mine so please do the same.
In short, Brides do you want friends after this event? Or would you like to start marital bliss sans friends? Also, if you could let me know who told you it was ok to act like this that’d be great because I’d really like to address my concerns with the source, I’m not a shoot the middle man kind of girl. k. thx.
And lets be real here, I’m just saying what all of you are thinking… so you are welcome and to thank me, you can follow da bloggy blog on social media and join me in my vent sesh @verbalgoldblog (insta, twitter and pinterest) k.byeeeee.