Touchy-Feely People PSA for Social Success
Alright,
I’d like to address a topic that’s très importante (french
for, keep reading). I’m talking about Touchy-Feely People (TFP). I’ll be
the first to say I prefer a casual wave over a hug any day. Call me whatever
you want, but my germ-free self don’t need your grubby paws all over this. My
wrinkle free clothes and perfectly polished make-up that took 3 hours to
achieve an effortless look does not need you messing anything up. Mmk.
As
a stranger the number one rule of interacting with a woman is do not touch. We
are like that object in your grandma/aunt/mom’s house you were allowed to look
at but never play with. Yea, keep walking buddy lots to see here, nothing to
touch…
I
will let you in on some appropriate stranger touching, it includes (and is
limited to):
a) a hot guy flirting with
me
b) shaking my hand and about to offer me a job
c) stopping me from
accidentally walking into an oncoming bus or
d) that’s about it.
To
put this into context, the internet has been swirling with “betches do
this” and “betches do that”, well … what I do agree
with is; Betches are known for being so cold it puts Elsa to
shame—and that’s the last time you’ll see me make a Frozen reference. We aren’t
going to be overly-emotional unless were wasted, really tired, or PMS-ing (the
tri-fecta, hope you boxed that for protection… b/c the tri-fecta doesn’t happen
often, but is like a deadly storm of misplaced emotional circumstances – that
still doesn’t want to be touched by a stranger. I digress).
Back
to the root of this issue, Touchy Feely People, I don’t know who didn’t love
you enough during your infancy, but I do know that there is absolutely no
reason you need to take out that lack of love on me.
Whoever
taught these people boundaries clearly did not do a good job and should
be shot, or better yet suffocated by a hug. I’m sorry, but if we’re
meeting for the first time and you envelop me in any sort of embrace, it
doesn’t make me think you’re super outgoing and friendly, it makes me want to
shower. Immediately.
If
I whip out hand-sanitizer, or wipe my hands down the side of my clothes right
after we have shaken hands, it means you lingered. So please start paying
attention to these subtle social cues. (no one wants ebola)
What
this comes down to is, I want to help the Touchy-Feely People of America
(TFPOA), think of this as a TFPOA PSA for social success. The first step to
touching recovery is to recognize you are the toucher and to keep your f-ing
hands to yourself you filthy animal. As
the great philosopher Chris Bridges once said, “get back, mother f-er you don’t
know me like that.”
Now
guys its time to call out that touchy friend who needs help. Tag them on oursocial media for the public shaming they deserve, or forever be touched
awkwardly.
